"It was just such wonderful news. It really felt like we had a problem here. With all these carjackings, home invasions, rioting and whatnot you do get concerned. So we are just so thankful that Verity could take the time from her busy day in Sydney to let us know that we're making it up."
Verity Meneswell (34) is a leftie with a very active internet presence, residing in the Sydney suburb of Annandale. She likes to think that she can solve the world's problems one Facebook comment at a time, and today she feels that she is needed more than ever.
She woke to a news article about a hundred or so African-Australians rioting in a suburb of Melbourne that she hadn't heard of before. While the footage did look quite damning, she remains convinced that the residents of Victoria must be fabricating the problem because of racism. So she hit the internet to provide some wonderful news to the residents of Victoria.
The first opportunity arose when she saw a comment on a news article by a man who felt that Sudanese immigrants were committing crimes per capita at a far higher rate than the rest of Victoria's residents. She expertly disproved that claim by drawing his attention to a rather prominent white guy who had recently committed a crime.
"This guy doesn't look very African to me!", she posted gloriously.
The next comment that drew her ire was a comment by a man named Bruce in relation to the over-representation of Sudanese people in respect of some specific crimes, such as aggravated burglary and serious assault. In response to some statistics that she presumes were cherry-picked, she politely informed Bruce that he was in fact a racist.
While Verity may not know a lot of Sudanese-Australians, in another exchange she drew upon her travels to South Africa for inspiration, describing "the most beautiful smiles she had ever seen". She was on fire.
We caught up with a very relieved Victorian, Malcolm Waddle (43), fresh from an enlightening exchange with Verity.
"To be honest yeah I really thought we had a problem here. You've got these, you know, crime statistics and anecdotal evidence from people you know. You get scared. You worry for your kids' safety. You worry about home invasions and stuff like that. So it was so great to come across young Verity from Sydney, who assured me that everyone is just making it up. It was also a relief to find out that I only think crime has gone up around this area because I'm a racist. Sometimes you just need a well-meaning leftie from Sydney to lay some truth bombs on you."
Verity is very pleased with how well her comments have been received south of the border.
"It's fantastic. In fact, there's a community meeting taking place next month in one of Melbourne's outer suburbs and I've been asked to come along. Can't remember the name but I've heard it's a multicultural suburb which is fantastic. They've invited me along after seeing online how much knowledge I possess on the subject, and that I might be somewhat of a calming influence. I will just inform them that crime hasn't gone up in that suburb, because I certainly presume it hasn't. I will also ask them how they think the Sudanese-Australian residents would feel about the meeting taking place at all. They might feel targeted!"
We hope Verity can hop on the next plane to Victoria. If this problem does exist, it is going to take all of Verity's well-meaning kindness to solve it.
*We are pleased to let you know that we will soon be starting a (probably weekly) email service. The weekly email will be entitled "If That Comes Up". Each week, the email will focus on a topic that is likely to come up at Friday drinks or weekend barbies. Emails will include additional unpublished satirical articles, trivia facts and (usually lame) jokes and weird tidbits related to that topic. It will serve as a lighthearted way to start your work day. If you would like to subscribe, please inbox our Facebook page with your name and email address. Cheers from the Coastal Tribune team!