Whenever James wakes up this dusty, he tries to figure out if he did anything silly. He was relieved to remember that he just went out for dinner with wifey. But his heart sank when his active internet presence became apparent.
James Cai (31) woke up this morning with a sore head and a feeling of general seediness. He could tell he’d done a bit of a number on himself.
So he embarked on his usual routine of rehashing the night, making sure there’s nothing he should be mortified about. He was relieved to recall that he spent an amicable and drama-free night with wifey.
But his heart sank when he looked at his phone. He instantly knew he had a problem. His seediness gave way to actual sickness as he saw a whopping 33 Facebook notifications.
There is no good reason for that many notifications on a Sunday morning. Last he checked, he hadn’t announced an engagement or the birth of a child. There was only one awful possible reason.
After his wife went to bed, James must’ve had an active internet presence. A dreadful thought. As he paced back and forth in his bedroom, he tried to summon the courage to go through the notifications and see what sparkling repartee had been emanating from his drunk alter-ego.
When he finally did, he was horrified to see that he hadn’t just been complementing friends on particularly lovely photos. He had been arguing with strangers on the pages of Sydney Morning Herald and various other publications. This was a code red. Worst case scenario. We caught up with a panic-stricken James as he tried to digest the horrors of his current predicament.
“This is so bad. I’ve been passionately arguing with strangers. Calling them ‘champ’ and stuff. It’s not really my fault though. Have you seen the articles they post on a Saturday night? They deliberately bait us drunk folk. Seriously. At 10pm they post an article about gay marriage. Of course drunk people are going to start attacking each other.”
And it got worse. Not only had he been arguing with strangers. He had been arguing with his Facebook friends. But not the sort of good friends he could call up and say "Sorry buddy I was a tad inebriated last night." It was the sort of distant acquaintances that shouldn't even really be your Facebook friend at all. One of them had posted a thing about Donald Trump that had proved irresistable to James at drunk o'clock. It was mortifying.
But necessity truly is the mother of invention. In his desperate, frantic desire to remove every trace of evidence from last night, he figured out that Facebook has something called "Activity Log".
Activity Log is a feature that was almost certainly invented for the remorseful hungover chap. It is a complete chronological list of all the comments, likes, shares and anything else that you may have done on Facebook in a given period. So instead of having to somehow retrace every horrible moment from his Facebook frenzy, it is all there in one easy-to-delete list.
And as for James' plans for the day? He informed us that he will be spending the day stressing about his Facebook posts from last night, no matter how hard he tries to cast it out of his mind.