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Miserable Grump Looking Forward To Annual Opportunity To Step It Up A Notch

"I can tell you one thing for certain. If any of them think about knocking on my door, I'll explain that we're in Australia and this house doesn't support the Americanisation of our country."

Graeme Thornton (53) is a miserable man. He brings no joy to any of his fellow human beings, and is the sort of bloke who could improve the quality of a social occasion just by finding the door and leaving. He's the sort of buzzkill who complains that the Christmas decorations are put up too early at the shops.  

However, that does not mean that he doesn't have hobbies. He does. He absolutely loves calling the cops when his neighbours have a get-together that becomes even slightly jovial or boiseterous, and he also loves peering out of his window to make sure that nothing untoward is going on in his neighbourhood.

His default setting is "grumpy miserable old dickhead" and it does not take much to get him going. But once a year, he takes his game up to a whole new level, as the kids dress up and have a lot of harmless fun each October 31. 

The staff at The Coastal Tribune drew straws, and I was the unlucky one who had go and speak to the depressing killjoy. This is what he had to say.

"It's nearly upon us. Tomorrow night, hordes of children will be out in the streets, celebrating American culture and the Americanization of our country. And if you are going to quote me, please use an 's' and don't spell that word with a 'z'. * Why don't we just become the 51st state for goodness' sake?! That's the way we're heading you know."

*we did and we’re not sorry*

I pointed out that they seem to have a really good time, and it is often a fantastic opportunity for the neighbourhood kids and their parents to cross paths and get to know each other, and dress up and have some innocent fun. Unsurpisingly, Old Mate disagreed.

"I hardly think the most important aspect of growing up is having fun. If any of them knock on my door, they won't be getting any lollies from me. Or 'candy' as I presume they probably say it. They will get an explanation of the fact that it's just a pagan tradition that the Americans are obsessed with. The only traditions I will be involved with are Christmas and Easter thank you very much."

I briefly considered explaining the pagan symbolism and history of both of those occasions, but had almost lost the will to live, let alone engage in further discussion. Such is the soul-destroying depression that engulfs all who meet Graeme.

As we left, we put a little note on his letterbox, advising the kids as follows.

“There is no candy in this grouch's condo, and it sure would be swell if you could go ahead and continue along the sidewalk, making sure to put any of your trash in a trash can or waste paper basket.”

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