“Yeah I broke up with her.” ... “Not sure we were just looking for different things.” ... “Nah not really seeing anyone at the moment.” ... “There’s a few possibilities but just waiting for the right one to come along.”
Simon Walton (32) is having a pretty great summer. He’s worked hard all year at his marketing job, and is enjoying a few weeks of much-needed rest and relaxation.
He’s been out on his boat or at the beach most of the time, and caught up with heaps of his mates. It’s been good.
Christmas Day should be one of the most enjoyable days of the year. Getting together with all his cuzzies, parents, aunts, uncles and siblings. Eating delicious food and exchanging presents. But instead, he is apprehensive and is currently rehearsing his responses to the gruelling cross-examination that he expects to receive tomorrow.
This is because he is single and child-free, whereas his brother and sister have both started little families. He explains that this shines the spotlight squarely on him.
“Bloody hell seriously. If there is one thing I hate more than anything else in the world it’s sympathy pointed in my direction. Everyone looks at me like there’s something wrong, and they cross-examine me about my relationship status, likelihood of procreating soon and stuff. It’s horrendous.”
So this year Simon has decided to jump onto the front foot, preparing short and sharp answers to the inevitable questions.
He explains that he wishes it hadn't come to this.
“It’s a joke. I’m happy as a pig in shit spending time with mates over summer. Then my aunties and uncles are all feeling sorry for me and asking annoying questions. It sucks. But I’ve been prepping hard and I’m gonna smash them with good quick answers. Then hopefully get on with an otherwise enjoyable day.”
We decided to contact Peter Thenson, a psychologist who leads this field of research. We attempted to try to get to the bottom of why everyone can’t leave the Simons of this world, to use Simon’s words, “the fuck alone”.
“Yes there are many theories. Lack of other conversational topics. Curiosity. Sometimes even genuine concern. But our research has shown that there is a less-discussed but equally prevalent reason. Jealousy. Simon and his ilk are frequently spotted galavanting around on boats, beer gardens, beaches, parties. The sort of stuff parents have to forego.”
Mr Thenson is of the view that Simon’s lifestyle rubs in everyone’s faces the things they can no longer do, but deep down wish they could.
They try to verbal such a single and carefree individual into saying that he doesn’t enjoy his life that much, and convince him (and themselves) that settling down is far preferable. It makes these relatives feel better about their own lives.
However, we don’t think they’re going to like Simon’s responses to the cross-examination tomorrow. He is primed and ready for battle.