“You know Army Boy? Yeah we’ll that's not a thing any more. He got weird. Still hoping to catch up with Plumber Boy later in the week though, or just see what Police Boy is up to. Although he was so rude the other night. Maybe Chef Boy. He’s hot as.”
Mandy Harper (24) has always been unlucky in love. Apart from one relationship a couple of years ago that actually had potential, her dating and relationship life has been an unmitigated disaster.
We are now informed by Mandy’s bestie Alison Maher (25) that things have now taken a dramatic turn for the worse. Mandy has started referring to the toxic men in her life by occupation.
“Oh yeah it’s absolutely tragic. Has she told you about ‘Army Boy’? He’s some absolute loser who cheated on her several times in the very short time they dated. He’s absolutely awful. But she’s still on and off with him. Then there’s Plumber Boy. Police Boy. The list goes on."
Generally, an important step towards romantic fulfilment is the ability to refer to potential love interests by their actual human names. In fact, a recent report commissioned by the Federal Government and conducted by the Australian Institute of Psychology makes for very concerning reading for the Mandys of this world. It found that anyone referring to their potential romantic partners as “___ Boy” are a long way from romantic happiness.
The research went so far as to conclude that anyone currently engaged in the practice is at least two years off a highly functional adult relationship.
Mandy is not a fan of the report.
"Yeah there was a thing on Facebook about that research paper thingy. Every person I know bloody tagged me in the comments section and it was a big effing laugh for them."
She also disagrees with the findings of the report.
"That's bullshit. I'm just playing the percentages. Sure a lot of my current men are a bit rough round the edges. But shit I look at the guys some of my friends are settling down with and they aren't exactly perfect humans either. You've just got to find your own way with this stuff. Sure pizza boy, bartender boy, army boy and plumber boy aren't looking that likely to carry me off into the sunset. But I've got a better feeling about F45 Boy and Barista boy."
Mandy then proceeded to show us what appeared to be the largest ever profession-by-profession electronic gallery of explicit intimate photography. It was at that stage that we decided to cut the interview short.
Best of luck Mandy.