“You normally have at least a hundred parishioners or so for every church leader. But in here the ratio is almost literally the exact opposite. So when we divided up the tithings, it worked out as one quarter of a cigarette for each of us. We’ve got 50 or 60 pretty upset priests in here.”
Cardinal George Pell has had a pretty rubbish few months, culminating in the majority decision of the Court of Appeal today.
In a Coastal Tribune exclusive, we have obtained specific details of the hellish existence that Pell has been enduring.
Pell is currently being held in the specialised “Protection Prison” for sex offenders, located in the Victorian town of Ararat. Thankfully for Pell, the point of the specialised prison is that he will likely be kept away from the inmates who are least likely to enjoy the cut of his jib.
Pell discloses that the hardest aspect of his incarceration has been the financial trauma that he has suffered.
“Obviously, the first thing we did was set up a makeshift pulpit for our Sunday services. And of course a collection plate. But we realised at the first service that we had a problem. Instead of one priest to at least a hundred parishioners or so as a ratio, we had the opposite. Priests bloody everywhere. And basically no one to listen and, of course, pay us.”
Pell explained that the main currency in the paedophile protection prison is cigarettes.
“So all of us priests, about 50 or 60 in total, passed the collection plate around. It was dire. There was just a few ciggies to be split between all of us. So myself and Gerry pulled rank and took the ciggies for ourselves.”
“Gerry” is Pell’s long-time associate Gerald Ridsdale. Pell most famously escorted Ridsdale to court when Ridsdale was facing sexual abuse allegations back in the 90s.
Pell reckons it's been pretty good catching up with Gerry.
“Yeah while it’s been difficult, it has been good catching up with all the old crew. It’s like a very long, supervised reunion.”
Every cloud.