Victorian To Summon Remaining Strength In Withered Drinking Arm In Attempt Get On The Beers

"You grab it with your hand if I remember correctly. But I think the atrophy has reached the point where I won't be able to exert the necessary upward thrust."

With today's announcement by Premier Dan Andrews, the first reaction of most Victorians was that of relief, and tempered excitement.

However, in the immediate aftermath of the announcement, a brutal reality set in. Most Victorians had spent so long without visiting a pub that they are frightfully underprepared for the experience.

St Kilda local Mike Savage explains that he is going to need to summon some superhuman strength.

"Fuck me. I can't even remember what I used to say to bouncers on the way in when they ask how many beers I've had. Was it two? Or three? Shit. Imagine if I don't get allowed in on my first night out! Plus how am I supposed to get a frothy beverage to my mouth with this bloody thing?!"

Mike was trying to gesture towards his withered drinking arm, that had atrophied so badly due to lack of use that it looked like the pathetic front limbs of a T-Rex.

"I'm gonna need to order the smallest beers they have and then work my way up. Otherwise this shriveled appendage might fall right off me. Also, what about my pick-up game? I've become isolated and weird. I'm not sure I'd back myself to start up a chat with a young lady. In fact, I'm not sure I even remember how to drunk dance or make urinal banter. Oh God I'm anxious!"

You know what might help ease the nerves? A Frothy one. Maybe lifted to his mouth by a helpful stranger.

*In Victoria and keen for a few frothies? Not sure where to go? Contact Hotel Barkly to find out opening hours at the best rooftop bar in Victoria!*